A lot of parents feel schools should teach sex ed—promoting abstinence only when it comes to Mountain Dew or Red Bull.
But we can’t really outsource this task entirely. To have sexually healthy kids, parents need to talk about the birds, bees and STDs. And timing is everything.
Last week, a study in Pediatrics reported that more than 40% of teens start having sex before talking with their parents about STDs, birth control or the possibility of a partner refusing a condom. More than half of children start genital touching before having talked about discussing birth control, STDs, condom use, or most importantly-- resisting partner pressure for sex. Isn’t that one situation you want teens to be prepared for?
It’s hard to know when exactly when kids need to know what exactly. Public health doesn’t send a letter saying it’s time; hair doesn’t actually grow on kids’ hands signaling it’s time to talk about urges and pleasure. It’s not like a no-brainer- turkey with a plastic thing that pops out when it’s ready.
No wonder we put it off. Talking to your kids about sex is really tricky. Although we seem to like to watch other people having pretend sex in movies, or reading about celebrities’ sex lives, people in our culture have a hard time discussing adult-rated material in an adult way.
Although this study was small, its findings offer some real concrete guidance for parents. Lead author Megan Beckett, a social scientist at the Rand Corporation says there are several lessons for parents:
- Start the sex talk earlier than you think. Kids need to be prepared. If it’s TMI, they’ll tell you. Would we let them drive a car before discussing road rage, drivers who forget to signal and where the emergency brake is?
- Make it an ongoing conversation: Have frequent discussions about sex—as children continue to mature. According to Beckett, other research suggests that both parents and kids become more comfortable the more frequently they talk about sexual matters. Persevere past the discomfort.
- Boys need information as much as girls do--and earlier. Girls are often more informed at sexual initiation than boys. Why? Parents are more protective of them and boys start having sex earlier. And unlike the onset of a girl’s period, there is no obvious trigger for a boy.
Some people feel that talking about sex is like giving kids a go-to-bed free card—but it’s just the opposite.  Beckett says it has a more protective effect,  “teens who’ve talked with their parents about sex tend to delay sexual initiation and when they are active, they tend to use condoms and have fewer partners.”
If you don’t inform your kids, you know who will?  Porn piped into their laptop, body doubles in movies, hormonally-crazed peers, or news anchors salaciously detailing rendez-vous between golfers and their mistresses. Years before kids sexted, I reported a story about high school dating. Many teens revealed that porn was their main form of sex ed. And not the nice woman-made stuff.
Beckett adds, “You are doing your kids a favor by talking to them, if you don’t give them the info, they are going to get it elsewhere and you won't be able to control the messages or accuracy of the information or shape your child's developing attiitudes  and values  towards sex ”. What’s more, when they tell you they know all about sex already—they probably don’t.
The study itself reveals how squeamish we are. Although many babies touch themselves when they’re still in diapers and teens spank monkeys, for some reason, the study didn’t ask the kids about masturbation. Maybe we need to add that to "the talk".

cross-posted to womenmakenews.com