TIME: Ask the RIGHT questions!
Posted May 11th, 2012 by Genevieve ColvinTIME Magazine just became another self-appointed arbiter of “Mommy Judgment” by trying to inflame the Mommy Wars with their exploitative cover of a young mother standing like a mudflap girl and breastfeeding her 3, maybe 4 year old. The byline: “Are you Mom enough?”
The answer is, as soon as you have a baby, YOU ARE MOM ENOUGH!
TIME is sadly out of touch with what Moms really want. It’s time to ask, “Are we Mom-friendly enough?”
In my circle of “Mom” friends, we largely think that the “Mommy Wars” are over. Until, of course, some stupid news outlet uses the Mommy War to try and sell magazines. We trust that the choices that you made about parenting your children were made based on the information that you had at the time. “We do better, when we know better” is a phrase we often share with each other as we gather new information and work to improve our lives and the lives of our children.
But the question is not the only insult. The cover photo is also offensive. Not because the mother is breastfeeding an older child, but because the picture does not represent the actual relationship that this mother has with her child. To the many mothers, physicians, and public health advocates, who have strived to bring breastfeeding back into the mainstream, it is offensive to have such an exploitative and staged photograph become emblem of what is a normal part of motherhood.
In my 12 years of motherhood, having breastfed all my children into preschool, I have never seen another mother of a toddler or preschool aged child, pull up a chair, stand like a mudflap girl and nurse her child, while gazing off into the knowing eyes of the camera. I wonder how this picture would have looked if there was a little girl standing on that chair, as opposed to a very boyish boy? Typically, mother’s who are extended breastfeeding an older child, reserve their nursing for the needs of the child, not the needs of the photographer.
I have seen mothers, whose children have fallen down, with a bloodied knee, comfort their children with nursing. I have seen mothers of children with severe diarrhea, comfort and hydrate their children with nursing. I have seen mothers of children, who have been scared and frightened, comfort and love their children with nursing.
I am not opposed to the beautiful pictures of women nursing older children, as was represented within the article and video, but the cover photo that TIME chose was intended to inflame and misrepresent. TIME’s use of this inauthentic representation of what extended nursing “looks like” is simply a lie.
Some families choose to breastfeed beyond infancy because of the evidence-based health and neurological benefits. Yes, I said families, because very frequently, it is the fathers that see, support and promote the nursing relationship.
But the reality is that many women never breastfeed beyond the first weeks of life, because of the many barriers that prevent them from achieving their dream. Women need accurate and timely information, not hypersexualized hyperbole.
TIME, here are the questions you should have asked:
- Where can we get the best information to make an informed choice?
- Are we supporting a Mom’s choice to breastfeed for 1 minute, 1 day, 100 days or 1000 days?
- When are we going to get paid maternity & paternity leave?
- How can we get more flexible work options?
- How can we ensure our children are educated?
- How can we get health care?
- When will we expand lactation accommodation rights for all working women?
- Are we providing Moms with real food to feed their children?
- Are we supporting families in the workplace to parent their children?
If you are ready to opt out of the Media-Industrial Mommy War Complex, please join us here.
39 Comments
May 11, 2012 at 5:24 pm by Darlene MarquardtI breastfed my babies until THEY decided to wean. My daughter at 2 1/2 and son at 12 mo. I would have gladly nursed longer had they wanted it. I don’t see any issues at all with older pre-school children nursing. BUT, that being said – I too, didn’t like the picture that TIME chose to use. I believe they posed that one and used it to get an argument going. There is NOTHING sexual about breastfeeding, yet they portrayed it in a sexual way – which even makes breastfeeding proponents go — yueek.. I haven’t read the subsequent article (yet) .. but I just hope that women tettering on whether to breastfeed or not, are not discouraged. Breastfeeding is DEFINITELY the way to go. Better for the child, better for the budget, better for the bonding between parent and child. Better all the way around.
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May 11, 2012 at 5:08 pm by David VelozHey Gen,
Great response, very well-written. I probably disagree with almost everything you have written, but I don’t care because I’m so proud of you for being relatively clear-headed and reasonable in your response to this issue that has caused most people on either side to act like lunatics.
David
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Genevieve Colvin Reply:
May 11th, 2012 at 7:03 pm
@David Veloz, I love your compliments and appreciate that you took the time to disagree with me!
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Anita Reply:
May 11th, 2012 at 7:15 pm
Also- congratulations on earning over 700 Facebook Likes on this post!! Wow!
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Anita Reply:
May 11th, 2012 at 7:15 pm
I want to frame this comment for being a shining example of disagreeing while remembering that we’re people on the other side of these computer screens! Thank you David. (And thanks to all who have left these terrific, thoughtful comments here.)
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I’m pretty confused by the vicious response from other breastfeeding advocates to this cover. That kind of response would usually come from the willfully ignorant, anti-progressive camp, which also had issues with the cover. Are we really outraged that this might offend them? As if they were so close to saying “You know what, my position was wrong this whole time”, and this set them back. I have yet to read a clear, well-reasoned objection from advocates. If one were to specifically address the byline, then there might be something worthwhile to say.
To be offended that TIME used a posed photograph for their cover, rather than a Mothering mag style vérité portrait seems naïve, at the very least. TIME uses posed covers, that’s what they do. Hate to break it to you, but all the other people in professional photos on the cover are posed, not just going about their day. But “hypersexualized mudflap girl”?! Seriously? According to whom? What is sexual about the image? I half-expected such an opinion from some minority of people betraying their repression issues (which they did), but that’s the only place I expected to infer such an opinion.
Those with issues have their issues, NO cover would have been satisfactory.
The article was about attachment parenting, not breastfeeding in general. IF they were to do a piece on breastfeeding in general then your questions would be great. If that’s what you want, there is no reason to attack the story they did do, unless again you were to focus on the byline. Attacking the photograph is just strange, and hints at something unrevealed. “I wonder how this picture would have looked if there was a little girl standing on that chair, as opposed to a very boyish boy?” Um, pretty much exactly the same, but with a girl. Why is that a relevant question?
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Reva Reply:
May 15th, 2012 at 7:18 pm
@Mike, I completely agree with you. Everytime someone says this photo is hypersexualized, I look at the photo trying to understand what they are saying. The woman is just *standing there.*
Yes, she’s hot&sexy, but she can’t really help that, can she? She’d probably be hot&sexy no matter how she posed. Her pose looks confident and almost defiant, in a “I dare you to have a problem with what I’m doing” sort of way, but not overtly sexual. I admit the photo strikes me as slightly unsettling, but to me it’s less about the pose and more about the fact that they are both staring at us, which is just not what we are used to. But I can handle being a little unsettled. She isn’t doing anything wrong here, unless nursing while looking in camera while child stands on stool is now considered wrong.
I hate that headline they used, and as a maybe future mom, I find the mommy wars so tired. I understand that some people don’t like the photo that was chosen, but I think that argument can be made without comparing the probably nice lady in the picture to a “mudflap girl.” Sure it makes your point about hyper-sexualization, but I find the comparison more demeaning to the woman in the photo than the photo itself. And it’s unnecessary.
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Good Grief! Take a breather, ladies. Am I the only one who ever had a preschooler pull up a stool to nurse?
Is the picture exploitive? Probably.
It’s also funny as hell! – just like any day with a nursling who is old enough to ask, old enough to understand why we don’t nurse in certain places, and old enough to make jokes about nursing behind offended people’s backs!!!
Extended nursing is something that happened to me. I allowed the love and intimacy to happen and keep happening. It was wonderful and horrible and funny and strange and unlike anything I expected. It is long over, but we still communicate in very similar ways.
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May 11, 2012 at 2:20 pm by Jen RobinsonIt should be noted that there was a specific reason that the photographer chose to have the mom pose in this way: http://lightbox.time.com/2012/05/10/parenting/?iid=lb-gal-viewagn#4
Yeah, it probably wasn’t the best choice, since it immediately caused all kinds of flaming in the mommy-sphere at large, not to mention that it paints extended nursing in a terribly unfavorable light, but it is the most illustrative (of the 6 photos) of the child’s age and size. I don’t think you get the same sense of the boy’s height in the photo of him in his mother’s arms.
As a mom of 3, i’ve breastfed my kids to varying ages and they all stopped nursing when they decided to. I completely agree with your points – particularly the idea that the real discussion is about promoting breastfeeding from birth, and having the support for moms who have nursing challenges – whether they be problems with a latch or problems with an employer allowing them time to pump. And superimposing a phrase that relegates beast feeding to the so-called ‘mommy wars’ is, indeed, demeaning to the subject and shows ignorance on the part of the publisher.
I was simply glad to have a photo of a woman nursing with a look on her face that said (to me, anyway), “Check it out. I’m nursing, and I’m not covered up. This is normal. This is good.” In fact, I feel as though her posture is probably designed to be a challenge to those who view it: the stance is strong and open to the viewer (she’s not hiding what she’s doing) and it exudes the confidence that many women lack when it comes to nursing in public. Yes, it’s a stance dictated by the photographer (admittedly a male) but it sends a message nonetheless. The target audience for TIME is usually male, so I suspect it was a man’s way of getting the attention of men. I don’t think that a photo of a mom sitting down nursing a 3 year-old child in her lap would have had the same impact.
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FLT Reply:
May 11th, 2012 at 2:59 pm
@Jen Robinson, you *suspect* it was a way to get the attention of men? I don’t think that’s even open to speculation. The mother was young, thin, blond and pretty. Quite frankly, they would never pose an “average looking” woman like this on the cover of a national magazine.
That’s what annoyed me most about it. The cover does its best to sexualize breast-feeding when most people who nurse are already fighting that public perception.
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FLT Reply:
May 11th, 2012 at 3:02 pm
And I looked at those photos. I hate to say this, but the only woman who is not very thin was the only one fully clothed. Interesting.
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Well done Geneieve! In my opinion the “Mommy Wars” are nothing more than a tactic to keep women pitted against one another. It behooves the status-quo to keep us fighting amongst ourselves. Unfortunately, it works.
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May 11, 2012 at 12:09 pm by AnitaThis is so well-said. Yes, we are enough.
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May 11, 2012 at 11:49 am by SuzanneSeriously, how can we better support Mom, babies and families? I worked for ONE company in my whole life that seemed to “get it”. We had in house corporate day care and Moms and Dads were encouraged to come by the kid’s classrooms, nursing Moms could take breaks anytime to come down and nurse their babies, Dads could come down and feed their babies and toddlers or have lunch with their preschoolers or share a snack with an after school student.
The cost of daycare was subsidized as an employee benefit and you paid on a sliding scale based on your salary. It cut down on absenteeism, improved employee retention and increased productivity for the company. In house day care improved employee morale and improved work-life balance, no rushing to drop your kid off at a daycare across town from work or fighting your way through traffic to get your kid by pick up time, everyone was in the same building.
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Maggie W Reply:
May 11th, 2012 at 12:42 pm
@Suzanne, This is an awesome employer. They should consider sharing A guide on kow to be family friendly in the workplace to promote increased employee satisfaction and support that in turn increases loyalty to the business. This employer understands the value of a happy family and nurturing relationships that can be sustained in a positive and supportive work environment. They know this increases business production and impacts their bottom line. Great post!
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Suzanne Reply:
May 11th, 2012 at 3:07 pm
@Maggie W, the company was Westgate Resorts in Orlando. They own and sell timeshare properties. Everyone from the company’s owner to the housekeeping staff at the properties used our day care center. I was a teacher there.
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Kay McKee, IBCLC Reply:
May 16th, 2012 at 7:48 pm
@Suzanne, Boy was that a surprise. I own a Westgate timeshare (Williamsburg) that I’ve never used, never rented, never did anything other than make a stupid decision to purchase the thing in a weak moment after my husband died. I’ve been going to try to sell it (or give it away) just to get out of the annual expenses. But on that one post you made me think again. Maybe I’ll keep it.
Just reading the 2012 AAP revision of the Policy Statement “Breastfeeding and the Use of Human Milk” should make anyone with two brain cells recognize the need for more companies like this.
I’ve been working as a lactation consultant for over 22 years. We’ve come a long way, baby! I still fight the same battles every day, but I can feel change in the wind. The 3rd-party payers are beginning to see the impact of NOT supporting breastfeeding in their bottom lines. Employers will too. And eventually, money will drive change in the hospitals where the beginning of the end is too often found. I most likely will be dead by then, but my grandchildren will probably BF until they wean themselves. My own kids did: at 2,3, and 3. I wouldn’t trade one second of those bedtime snuggles for all the tea in china.
And I’m proud to have met Dr. Sears several times, to have trained with Penny Simkin and Marshall Klaus, and to have birthed 3 Bradley babies (NOT been delivered) under my own power. All three were clear-headed, clear-eyed, and latched right on. I don’t think they left my arms for more than bathroom breaks for days. I thank God for the experience and the hormones that made it work. Maybe God and Mother Nature know more than we do?
I rarely read these things, don’t have time, but glad I did this time.
Best wishes to all the “attached” parents out there, and my sincere sorrow for the children of those who are not.
Anonymous Reply:
May 11th, 2012 at 11:26 pm
@Suzanne, Please share with me about this employer!!!!! We are looking to highlight family friendly employers and I would love to honor them!!!!
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Genevieve Colvin Reply:
May 12th, 2012 at 11:26 am
Thank you for sharing your company! I am so glad to hear that you had a supportive employer!
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Great article! It blew my mind that they used that as cover too and you wrote a great response! We rely so much on others as mothers! Thank you!
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May 11, 2012 at 1:20 am by Ashley BLOVE this – you hit on everything that’s wrong about this cover and what we can do moving forward. I was fuming about this cover but couldn’t see straight before I read this. Thank you!!!!!!
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