Let’s Be Real: I Love Being a Working Mom

Posted August 30th, 2011 by Michelle Noehren

Taking care of my new baby girl Lillian for 10 weeks was a great experience, but it only reinforced my desire to go back to my career. I missed adult interaction and using my skills and talents. While I love my daughter more than anything in the world, I also missed the life I had before she was born. I craved normalcy.

I wasn’t sure how I would react going back to work. The night before dropping her off at daycare I barely slept. I had so many conflicting thoughts. Part of me felt bad about going back to my job. I would think about the fact that someone else would get to see her smiles and coos all day and that I’d likely miss many of her milestones. On the other hand, I’d think about all the cool things I do at my job and how much I looked forward to getting back to them. I didn’t know if I would cry every morning that first week back or if I would be OK. I’ve been quite surprised by my reaction.

What hasn’t surprised me is that I miss her all the time and when I’m driving to pick her up I feel like a kid waiting to open her Christmas gifts. I am so excited to see her, hold her and tell her I love her. What did surprise me was that I thought I’d feel more guilt for choosing to go back to work instead of being a stay-at-home mother, but honestly I don’t feel any at this point. What I do feel guilty about is not feeling guilty and that’s a perspective I haven’t heard much about.

So many people told me that it would take at least two weeks to feel better about leaving her in daycare. Many people said I’d cry when I dropped her off for the first time. I think because I heard those things so often I sort of expected to react that way but instead I loved being back at work and didn’t cry at all my first week back. I started to wonder if I was the only one that felt this way. No, no, no – I can’t be the only mother that is happy and guilt-free being back at work. Where are these women? Why don’t we hear about them?

Mothers are judged for every decision we make. If we stay home with our children we are judged. If we go back to our careers we are judged. And if we actually like being working mothers we face the presumption that we don’t like being moms. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. I love being a mom and I love my daughter more than I ever thought I could love someone, but I also don’t mind that someone else is attempting to feed her for an hour and a half at a time. I don’t miss changing poopy diapers all day. And you know what? That doesn’t make me a bad mom. I think that knowing what makes me happy in life and following that path makes me a better mother for my child because I’m happier all around.

I’m excited about my new role as a “working-mother” and wouldn’t have it any other way. Let’s be more honest with each other about our feelings of having both a career and a family. To all my fellow moms who drop their kids off at daycare every morning and don’t feel guilty about it, I say good for you! I completely understand.

How did you react when your child started daycare?

Originally posted on WorkingMother.com

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Posted Under: M: Maternity & Paternity Leave O: Open Flexible Work

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12 Comments

September 6, 2011 at 10:09 am by Lisa D

Wow! I cannot tell you how nice it is to hear the “opposing” viewpoint. I realize that no 2 people are the same, but it seems as if I am the only one of my friends/co-workers that feels The way you do. I love my children, but I also love my job, and I know I am a better parent for continuing the career for which I spent 10 years in college and grad school.
I am now 6 years (and 2 kids) into being a working mother; it’s a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Sometimes I don’t do my best at either of my jobs, sometimes I do better now than before being a mother. Good Luck with your own challenges at work and home.

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September 3, 2011 at 2:15 pm by Deanna

I have experienced the opposite. Everyone told me that going back to work would be the best for both of us. That I would get a break from the mom thing and he would gain independence. Nope. We both hate it. I work because I have no choice, I’m a single mother, and was lucky enough to make do for three and a half years so I could be with him. I realise I was born to be a mom, a full time 24/7 mom, I love it and have never done anything more satisfying. His new found independence clashes with my exhaustion when we finally get home. And all day all I think about is taking him to the park, for a walk, painting, playing games, etc. I feel like I am missing out.

I am glad you found and are able to do what makes you happy and, most importantly, FEELS RIGHT. Not all of us are made for being stay at home moms and I think it’s great when women figure this out because being forced to do something you do not love is no fun and both mom and child(ren) suffer when this is the case. I just wish it was feasible for all of us to do as we felt was right.

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September 2, 2011 at 1:08 pm by Janice

I spent 17 years building a career and then became unexpectedly pregnant. After 3 months of dropping my son at an excellent daycare facility, I realized I just couldn’t do it all. Yes, I was often relieved leaving him there because, frankly, being a stay-at-home mom is much tougher than any VP job I ever had. It was nice to leave the diapers and other day-in, day-out baby duties to someone else while I left to be an uninterrupted adult for 8 hours. That being said, for me, I realized that I couldn’t be 100% VP and 100% Mom at the same time. The feminists weren’t entirely truthful when they said, “You CAN do it all.” Well, perhaps you can, but not all *well.* So, sitting before my employer, who was telling me that quitting to stay home with my son would mean the end of my career, I told him, “He needs me more than you do.” Do I enjoy the SAHM-thing? Most times, it’s okay, but it’s not nearly as gratifying as working. Would I trade it for all the promotions and accolades of my previous career? Never. Women who choose to work or HAVE to work should not beat themselves up for making the decision to do so, but for those who do not have to work for financial reasons, you should not kid yourselves that daycare is in any way as good as your spending time with your own child, and your decision to send your child to daycare takes your personal desires to ‘return to normalcy’ into as much consideration as your child’s needs. If you’re okay with that, then more power to you. I was not, and I quickly realized that we, as ‘modern’ women, have been misled into thinking that having a baby should not change our lives as we know it, and we can just jump right back into our pre-baby lives without consequence. I suppose the only question in doing so is, “Whose life will be most affected — mine or my child’s?”

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Marie Reply:
February 14th, 2012 at 4:28 pm

@Janice,
Agreed. As a school psychologist turned SAHM, I can tell you that the importance of staying home with your child triumphs any other thing/job that we think is important. Being an involved, caring, trustworthy, loving SAHM is a selfless act with the reward of having a well adjusted child (socially, emotionally, and behaviorally). The first couple of years are especially crucial in a child’s development and being with their primary caregiver is particularly important, if we tell ourselves anything different we are only attempting to fool ourselves. I think in the rare case of an uninvested parent (one whom allows the child to watch tv all day, eat anything, no routine, no exposure to cultural/educational/community events, etc), it is more beneficial to have a child in daycare or Headstart. But that is really the only time; and sadly, the majority of those kids have problems later on in school.

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September 1, 2011 at 9:20 am by Donna

Thanks for sharing your experience of being a working mom. I think the passion that this post has generated just demonstrates how important this issue is to mothers. Thanks again for this great post!

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August 31, 2011 at 12:22 pm by Emily

More power to you. It sounds like you have good balance. I don’t. I wouldn’t say that I feel guilty leaving my children with a sitter because I feel like it helps them gain independence. My problem is that as a full-time working mom, I feel like I am pulled in too many directions and no one gets the best of me. Meanwhile, I feel like I am struggling just to keep my head above water some days, and that makes me quite unsatisfied. Even though I know I shouldn’t, I feel guilty when I hear stories like yours because I can’t seem to get the working mom thing right.

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Michelle Noehren Reply:
August 31st, 2011 at 2:26 pm

@Emily, Please don’t feel badly after reading my post. I’m certainly not saying things are perfect. It’s hard to balance working with family and find any time in the day for myself. I completely understand how you feel. I have literally no down time for myself. I do enjoy working and I work in a field where I get to make a difference in my state but it isn’t easiest, that’s for sure. For me, my biggest challenge so far has been figuring out how to make my relationship with my husband feel equal – how to split responsibilities so that I don’t feel like it’s all falling all me – you know?

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August 31, 2011 at 10:51 am by Blessing @ Working Mom Journal

When my daughter first started daycare, I cried the night before. I was anxious and scared. I was scared something might happen to her and they would be calling me. I was scared I would have to quit if the guilt feeling keeps going on. But as soon as she started, she loved it. She came home happy, exhausted form all the plays with her friend. She was very attentive, social and talked more. I was blessed t ohave a sister live with me and who helped take care of her for a while but I wish I had started daycare earlier.

I feel empowered as a working mother and I am happy that my daughter is a smart confident child who looks up to me as a role model. When she sees me “she tells her friends, look my mommy is an engineer”, it just melts my heart to hear her praise me.

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August 31, 2011 at 8:53 am by Michelle Noehren

Thanks for the supportive comments. I can’t say I’m shocked by the negative facebook posts but it does sadden me. That’s exactly why I wrote the piece, because I don’t think we should feel guilty for not feeling guilty but there are clearly those who do not agree (hence adding to the guilt!).

Just like I said above, we are judged as mothers for whatever choice we make: staying home or going back to our careers. The point is we should do our best to respect each other. I just wrote a piece last week honoring moms that stay at home. I value my fellow moms contributions whether they be solely in the home or in the workplace too. Wish the negative fb folks felt the same…

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August 30, 2011 at 6:40 pm by Shannon Harston

I just want to say thank you for sharing and I think your honesty is refreshing and understated. I know many women in your situation and have very healthy happy little ones and lives of their own as well. I am sad to see the responses this article got when posted by Moms Rising on FB. I am so disappointed in the negativity and lack of support and presence of judgement whether tonal or actually stated. I guess that is the evolutionary process though – some have evolved to have tolerance, support and encouragement and others…. well, not so much.

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August 30, 2011 at 5:02 pm by Kate

The link above is a piece I read during a local production celebrating moms called “Listen to Your Mother.” In my piece, I talked about the same thing – feeling guilty for not feeling guilty about goin back to work. I hope you take a moment to watch it and know that you are NOT alone!

Kate

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