Are we in financial denial?
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GoogleLeslie Bennetts' new book "The Feminine Mistake" has generated a lot of controversy and discussion. I expected to be the last person to defend her, as I was personally offended by Bennetts' overly critical characterization of stay-at-home Moms. She operates with a sledgehammer rather than a scalpel, but her core message is unmistakably important: A man is not a financial plan. Every woman needs to wake up to this reality. The cost of being caught without a personally-constructed safety net is a stiff penalty.
I am not surprised that a book as polarizing as "The Feminine Mistake" has generated a lot of love-it-or-hate-it reactions, but I have been taken aback by the willful financial denial voiced in some of the Amazon.com reader reviews. A woman calling herself Starbaby says....
"Ok...so being a SAHM is probably one of the riskiest financial and emotional decisions a woman can make. but look at it this way, it's also a sign of trust. Yes, women should have some sort of education and training 'just in case' but why constantly be paranoid that the worst is going to happen all the time? It could become a self-fulfilling prophecy!"
Another reader says, "[Bennetts] doesn't point out a husband can still wind up dead WITH YOU working and then you have to do it ALL by yourself anyway!, (daycare, mortgage, all of it). Bottom-line: I'll cross any financial hardship if I ever get to it (hopefully NEVER) when I have to, why all the FEAR Leslie??? It's called life insurance, alimony, child support etc. and if you are smart enough for an MBA you should be smart enough to pick a decent man to have a family with. If you didn't then you should keep your day job and a private bank account and follow Bennets advice."
I get really worried when I hear women claiming that living without independent financial means is a sign of trust in their relationships. This is as reckless and foolish as deciding not to wear seatbelts because that kind of "paranoid" thought might bring on a car crash.
This wishful thinking is dangerous for all Moms. This denial is what allows us to separate ourselves into various factions divided and weakened by "the Mommy Wars."
The truth is that there are no "Other Mothers." One day any of us could find ourselves needing to rely on maternity leave that allows us to preserve our paying job; open flexible work options; excellent childcare; health care; realistic wages, or sick days. I wish we'd unite to work for these core MomsRising issues out of a sense of solidarity for all mothers. But if that's not enough, at least open your eyes to know that these policies could mean the world of difference to YOU someday.
I know I am probably preaching to the converted here. My question is, how can we come up with new ways to get this message out to all mothers in a form they will respond to?
Women shouldn't be discriminated against simply because they are mothers... but they are! Read about true experiences of American mothers, and learn how shared problems can be solved. Members can download the first chapter of the book today.
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The best for my child
"Why is staying home to raise your children and being supported financially by a man "the very, very best"?"
Does that really need to be asked? No one else will love my child like I do, provide the constant attention, intellectual stimulation, and emotional stablity like I will. No daycare worker is as educated as I am and as willing to invest all of their time to teaching my child. No other caregiver will instill and reinforce my values, the importance of right from wrong, to logically think through problems instead of just being told "no"... Yes, your child will probably be physically safe in another person's care, however, there is no substitute for being cared for by mommy or daddy.
Bennett's book merely plays to the fears of working women, and is a slap in the face to all of the real men, like my husband, out there. Women, get your education and training completed prior to marriage. Marry a real man that places his family above all else and is willing to sacrafice to support his family. If you can't trust your man to provide financial support, what does that say about the person you married? Instead of playing to the fears of women, let's focus on changing the ideology of the workplace, demanding family friendly work policies such as flex time, telecommuting, longer maternity leave, etc.
supporting all mothers by valuing children
Mojo Mom is absolutely right. "A man is not a financial plan". Trust in intimate relationships is essential, but human beings are not static creatures, and anyone can change in the course of a lifetime. It is a gamble to remain dependent on someone else's income.
I am speaking as a mother who has done both, stay home with child and work full-time. Hopefully, most women have husband's like mine who would never abandon his children and would give his last dollar for their needs. But that is not a certainty. Our children's needs are too important to leave to any such gamble, and we know that our social services in this country are not going to provide a safety net to catch our children in the case of absent fathers or unemployed mothers with insufficent marketable skills.
I agree with Anonymous that if it were easier for women to move in and out of the workplace that would make women and children relying on men's incomes a safer option. However, children need to be a higher priority in this country, even if that means supporting mothers who make either the choice to stay home with the children or work outside the home. This support needs to come from more than just the parents of the children, our national priorities require some adjustment. If we valued our children more, we'd offer free partial day child care for socializing our toddlers and free full day preschool for our kindergarteners. Full day (till 6:00pm) after school enrichment programs should be offered to all public school chilren given the thousands of our nation's children who spend their afternoons watching television with inadequate supervision.
Support Women In What They Choose to Do - Give Them Options
Women need to be more supportive of each other - I get tired of the concept that men hold us back. It is women being so judgemental and competitive with each other that is most detrimental. Giving women options such as postponing motherhood through egg freezing or whatever should be supported.
Support Women In What They Choose to Do - Give Them Options
Women need to be more supportive of each other - I get tired of the concept that men hold us back. It is women being so judgemental and competitive with each other that is most detrimental. Giving women options such as postponing motherhood through egg freezing or whatever should be supported.
The Feminine Mistake
I am concerned that the focus has been taken off what is best for the children. Indeed not all mothers may be good at being home with their children. But, for the rest of the millions of us who want to offer their children the "very, very best", I believe it is not in any form a mistake that we entered into respectful, fulfilling and trusting relationships and chose for our life's career to be that of raising our children? Today's corporate climate isn't 100% solid and the rewards are not nearly as great.
Why does my behavior have to be described as risky? I am educated, and have chosen to sit out the career ladder race. I am in my life as a partner with my husband and make my decisions in an informed manner. My name is on everything we own. My future is in our plans and accounted for should anything happen to him or us. His income is half mine. Yes, should divorce arise, my career wouldn't be as advanced. However, my children are more important than a six figure salary. The fulfillment I receive from being able to provide and nurture for them cannot be quantified. A semi-quote I heard the other day from the author was something about 'there's plenty of decent childcare out there'. Well there are plenty of decent jobs should I need one, but my children are receiving the absolute best care and of this I am certain and very proud.
I would hope everyone could find such fulfilling careers and returns on their investments.
Stephanie
If it were easier to move in
If it were easier to move in and out of the workplace, and quality part-time options were widely available, the choice between working and being at home would not be so stark and devisive. I believe many more women would choose to stay at home full-time during the preschool years and work part-time during the school hours. Having this as an option would take nothing away from the women who choose full-time childraising to be their career, as you have done, and would help many families who need the extra income to pay for such "extras" as a college education for their kids.
why do you think what you are doing is "the very, very best"?
It's this kind of talk that is so divisive. Why is staying home to raise your children and being supported financially by a man "the very, very best"?
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