Single Motherhood Manifesto

by Rachel Sarah

I became a single mom in 2000, when my partner walked out on our seven-month old baby and me. My daughter is going into first grade this fall, and I'm going on Year Six of Single Motherhood.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there are more than ten million single mothers whose children under the age of eighteen still live at home. Being a single mom is both fun and knotty; every day, there are new pleasures and pitfalls. But being a single mom is not a problem or liability.

I recently took a plunge into online dating for my first time. Before posting my profile, I showed it to my best friend, Siobhan, who is also a single mom:

I am a warm and generous single mom who is looking for a wholesome man…. What I enjoy: a good book, fresh berries, and holding hands. I've put a lot of energy into exploring myself - have you?

"You've ‘put a lot of energy into exploring’ yourself?" she said. "Do you mean to imply what I think you do?"

"What?" I said, clueless.

"Exploring yourself, could also imply masturbation--"

"Oh."

I hadn't quite thought about it that way. As usual, her judgment ruled the day.

But what my profile really said in a nutshell is: I have a strong hold on single motherhood. I make my living as a writer and an editor. I cook a mean veggie stir fry. I pay the rent on time. I set limits with my daughter.

One of my first dates is with Guy, a 44-year-old human resources consultant who has never been married. His username on Match.com is "Shining_Armor." He lives with his dog. He's looking for a woman who truly wants to love and be loved, he says.

I'm a sucker for a good writer, and Guy is no exception. "I believe in love at first sight, yet I am grounded enough to pay my bills on time," his profile says.

He asks: "Are you able to let go of your grasp on the past and get lost in love?"

You bet I am.

I've finally let go of my ex-partner. I hope. I have sole custody now. I also filed for child support, which I'll never see, I know, but it was good to let the tears fall over my calculations of diapers, groceries, rent, and preschool. The numbers proved that he'd missed every point in my daughter's life: her first steps, her first song, her first "I love you," her hair done up in little braids, her first time writing her own name.

Now I'm going on a blind date with a man who says his ideal relationship is "two complete human beings who jump the hurdles of life together."

I'm ready to jump, but I know the best thing for me is to take it one step at a time.

Life as a single mom has enough pressure as it is, with all the demands on my time and energy: my five-year-old daughter's hair and teeth brushed, school lunch made, underwear clean, permission slip filled out. Then it's my turn. Add to this the pressure of finding childcare for the night, taking a shower, ironing my clothes, getting dressed, putting on some lipstick.

That's enough to make a woman lose it. And that's before I even arrive on my date. Yes, parenting alone can be complex, messy, and draining. But it is not a disgrace.