Part-time Lover
Posted September 16th, 2009 by Andrea Venezia“Are you a stay-at-home mom?” It’s a common question when I’m at the local playground with my two kids, yet I’m finding my answer to be more uncommon than I ever expected. My husband and I each work part-time and stay home part-time to take care of our two young children. We share every aspect of parenting and household chores. We decided before we had kids that the best path for each of us, and for our future kids, would be to have our own professional lives and for the kids to see each of us as caregivers and breadwinners. We wanted to be able to share in the joys of parenting and empathize during the hard times. And, best of all, one of us would always be with the kids and we wouldn’t need to hire childcare as long as we lived frugally. That dream became reality 4.5 years ago and, since our first child was born, we each work in our respective offices every other weekday and rotate Fridays. My husband works in the white-collar private sector, and I work for a non-profit organization. We look forward to each day. Need a break from the kids? Back to professional life the next day. But then we can’t wait to be with the kids the following day.
We divvy up tasks by who cares most about a particular issue. Dan is a compulsive laundry-a-holic; I’d rather buy 30 pairs of underwear and not worry about laundry for a while. Dust drives me nuts, while Dan can walk by a dust bunny (or seven) unfazed. Neither one of us is solely in charge of the kids or the house. We both are. It takes a lot of conversations to be on the same page, but it’s been relatively easy to do so.
Almost across the board, when we mention our situation of equally shared part-time stay-at-home parenting, other parents say something like, “That’s ideal.” Yet after 4.5 years we only know two other couples who do this (though we are aware of others in the blogosphere, such as Marc and Amy Vachon who approximate this by working reduced schedules and have childcare help).
At the risk of sounding too Carrie Bradshaw, here are my questions for every parent reading this. If you want to share parenting and household responsibilities but don’t, what are the barriers that get in your way? Put another way – what would need to change, and who should change it, for you and your partner to share parenting and house-related tasks equally? I don’t want to come across as naïve. I know it’s hard to find part-time jobs that are flexible and include health care. I wonder how many mothers and fathers have pursued this kind of job flexibility at work and sharing at home and, if things didn’t work out, what happened.
My husband and I believe that the only way to achieve so much of what this website advocates for is for partners to share domestic responsibilities more equally and enable each other to have professional lives. Perhaps then, taking care of children would not be held in lower esteem than paid work, couples will truly understand each other, kids will get significant time with both parents, and there will be more parity in other aspects of life. Too idealistic? You tell me. Or better yet, join me!
11 Comments
October 28, 2009 at 3:21 pm by HeatherI’m consistently surprised at the pride that parents show at never having needed child care. I am currently a s.a.h.m., although not completely by choice. I love my son, and I also love when other people care for him. I love this, not just for me, but for him. My 2.5 year old is charming and fun and needs social interaction with others as much as I do. He’s wonderful, I love him. Hopefully he feels the same about me. But then again, he’s not everything I need, and I’m not everything he needs.
I am so happy when I find others who care about and for my son. Thank you to all of the extended family, friends and paid caregivers who have influenced him and continue to do so. We both have needed them.
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October 27, 2009 at 1:51 pm by LucyMy ex and I did this when our child was young. He’s a college professor and adjusted his teaching hours so that he only taught afternoon classes. So I worked half-time in the morning. Then I came home and he went to work. The main difference between us and what you did is that he was still employed full-time. So even though his schedule was flexible, he was gone a lot. So we didn’t see much of each other. Notice I said he is my “ex.” That isn’t the only reason, not seeing each other much. But I would caution people to keep this in mind if you want to have this sort of arrangement.
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September 25, 2009 at 2:01 pm by AnitaI have to add that this is one of the most clever blog post titles I’ve seen in awhile.
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September 22, 2009 at 9:29 am by CarolynIt’s great that you and your husband were on the same page regarding childrearing and careers.
But everyone is different, and I think it’s important for any conscientious parent to work hard to make his or her ideal a reality, and there are as many versions of that as there are people.
For instance, I am living my dream to be a s.a.h.m. – and waited until I was 37 to have my first child to be able to make that happen. I love it, although I do see myself getting back to work when my son is a little older. I’m homeschooling him now for kindergarten, also a dream of mine.
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September 16, 2009 at 8:30 pm by HeatherNice to know that there are more of us out there. My husband and I both enjoy part time parenting/working, and the other stuff gets done, or not. Our lucky kids will growing up with such a wonderful perspective about what it means to be a family. We decided long ago that “child care” was not an option we could endure, and that we’d sacrifice all manner of creature comforts to raise our children ourselves. Thanks for posting!
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September 16, 2009 at 2:26 pm by ChristinaI liked reading this story. My husband and I are kind of like you and your husband. I work in a brokerage firm Mon to Fri 9am-5pm I AM VERY LUCKY to be able to bring my son to work with me.. (Though I will admit now that he is approching 15months is harder) my husband has a job in the music industry requiring him to work some week nights and fridays and weekends. Since we know what concerts are coming weeks in advance we can plan accordingly he stays at home with our son most weeks if he has something he needs to do I will take our son to work. My husband and I had many conversations prior to children and agree on most things. For years prior I did everything household wise right down to the bills.. I continued to do so after our son was born but burnt out quick I couldn’t keep up with house baby and me finally I said to Dear Hubby I need help you will watch while I work if you have show I will watch and you need to help with house because frankly I cant do it all.. He kind of “Forgot” we had a baby and I couldn’t manage everything. Maybe if I stayed home full time.. We do not require outside care I have never left him with anyone else either. I take that back he was 2 months old Gregg and I left for an hour for lunch and my mom watched him. We live simply and don’t get extravagent things we are in the process of buying a house and hope to continue this with our next child, I only want to put my child into a “daycare” for lack of a better word for socialzation and structure of the school enviroment not to let someone else raise them while I kill myself working to pay them.
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September 16, 2009 at 1:49 pm by AnitaEdie, thanks for sharing your story. I’d love to see that list– I bet it was a mile long!
Amy, so glad you commented here!! We’re so lucky to have another “ESP” parent to comment on this. I think you’re right that there’s such a wide continuum of how to make it work, and perhaps no one right way for all families.
My husband works full time and then some, but works hard to get home for dinner, bath and bed. I work part time with flexibility. We also have a lot of help from extended family. And my older one is in preschool. It’s a real juggle, and we’re constantly checking in to make sure we’re all doing well with it. Communication is so key here for us (as in the rest of life!).
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September 16, 2009 at 1:17 pm by Edie PlotinskyAndrea, I love that you’re doing this kind of information sharing of experiences in shared child rearing.
At the risk of being boring about what it was like in the early ’70′s to be a mom, I can only say I am very glad things have changed. The womens’ movement essentially said that we women could do it all: parenting, careeer, cooking/feeding and………staying sane. I had some mothers drop their kds off at the art classes I taught, without bothering to meet me;the kids would jump out of the car and run down my driveway to my clay room. The moms were late getting to their own graduate scool classes. They just assumed I ran a safe place and was a good person! It was hard getting Ira to see all that I was doing, and one day I made a list of everything I did around the house, with the kids, and for my own professional advancement. Things slowly began to change at that point:they had to, because our marriage was at stake. I’ll save more for another time.
Edie
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Andrea Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Hi Edie -
Thanks so much for writing! That was not boring at all. It’s so important to keep a perspective about how far we’ve come. I would love to see that list, too! Many years before we had kids, Dan told me he wanted to stay home full- or part-time if we ever became parents. I admit that I felt threatened, briefly, because my viewpoint was grounded in the belief that I had to do it all. Fortunately, that feeling passed and he and I are grateful that we’re able to share in this way.
Best,
Andrea
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No, it is not too idealistic! It takes guts to do what you are doing – at least at first. But then you realize something amazing: you’re living by your principles instead of by how our culture or our workplace laws or any outside expectations say we need to live. There is no one right solution for all families, but you’ve found the one that’s right for yours. And once you do, all the so-called ‘sacrifices’ that others feel are way too big to get past to achieve this type of lifestyle no longer seem very important. At least not important enough to keep you from the life you love.
Congratulations on a fantastic life of equally shared parenting with no outside childcare! In interviewing other ‘ESP’ couples for our upcoming book, we found that a very important subgroup of couples value achieving zero outside care for their kids. You are right, not everyone can easily find jobs (or would want to) that accomodate this goal, but I’m thrilled to know that you have. Keep up the voice on this – we need you to get the word out that this IS possible!
Best,
Amy (www.equallysharedparenting.com)
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Andrea Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Hi Amy -
Thanks so much for responding. You and Marc have done a great deal to put equally shared parenting in the spotlight and we are looking forward to reading your book.
As someone who works in the policy arena, I’m always curious about what the levers are that could enable more couples to pursue this lifestyle if they choose. Universal health care, parity in terms of wages, job flexibility — so many of the issues advocated by people on this site seem to be key if equally shared parenting is to spread…yet, many of my friends who are moms say they don’t want to have to get on the same page as their partners. They would rather do things “their” way. So, getting back to the decades-old question, I’m wondering how much is personal and how much is political when it comes to choosing to sharing parenting and responsibilities at home.
Best,
Andrea
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