There has recently been much talk about what kind of First Lady Michelle Obama would be during her husband’s presidency. Would she be a policy driven advocate like Hillary Clinton? Would she be the new modern fashion prototype of Jackie Kennedy? Would she be the silent behind the scenes intellectual and emotional strength of Nancy Reagan?

Then Michelle Obama made the statement that had jaws dropping across the country: she wanted to be Mommy-in-Chief to her two small children, Malia and Sasha. Many women, including many feminists, were up in arms about this admission. There were the obvious questions of why can’t she be both the advocate and the mommy or is she taking women, and in particular feminism, a step backward by her admission of her priorities. Then there was the subtle expectation by many that Michelle Obama was just transitioning her girls into their new life at the White House and then she will get to the “real” work. What these questions were really trying to get to was how could Mrs. Obama, with an Ivy League education from the top schools in the country and a former
hospital executive, not strive for more than just mommy.

What no one wanted to hear was that Mrs. Obama was just telling the truth about
motherhood. Motherhood is Gray. It is not black or white, it is a consistent shade of gray. This shade of gray consumes our lives, our marriages, our hopes, our dreams and our expectations. It is a color that never produces clear perceptions of balance, results, or sanity, but a shade that produces confusion as well as absolute loveliness.

The biggest myth of being a mother is that we are some kind of “superwoman” who really can do it all. Women are sometimes creators of this subhuman myth, although society as a whole has played their part. Balance and motherhood are at most times at odds with each other. Let me go further and say that balancing motherhood is a farce – a convoluted concept that someone came up with to force the idea that we as women really can do it all every minute of every day. A smart friend and feminist of mine told me once that women can have it all, but just not at the same time.

Mrs. Obama seems to know all too well that motherhood is gray. This is the reality we as women live in. We go through the physical, emotional and yes hormonal journey from pregnancy through motherhood. Whether we are blessed to become adopted parents or parents through pregnancy, mothers are the ones who usually have to make the tough decisions when it comes to putting their careers on the back burner to put their children’s as well as their families needs first. It is a reality that even when many mothers return to work outside the home there is a horrible tear in our hearts when we say goodbye to our children. We know for better or for worse things will never be the same.

Motherhood has a love hate existence. Let me explain. We love our children with the kind of unconditional love that only we as mothers can understand. The mother/child bond is one that pushes purpose, devotion and integrity into our lives. We can’t imagine a life any other way. But we as mothers and women are undeniably frustrated with the hard choices we have to make and worry about how every single decision will impact our children.

You see it is not about a right way or wrong way. Every mother has to make what
decision is right for herself and her family. No choice should be bound in judgement. We as mothers are not monolithic, but complex, beautiful, intelligent, and hard-working. We will do whatever it takes to help our children succeed and live up to their fullest potential.

Saying motherhood should come first has been quite a taboo subject in this country, especially for my generation of post-baby boomers. My challenge to this is why as women should we have to apologize or second guess ourselves when it comes to being a mother? Let’s be honest, if we go back to work outside the home we sacrifice time with our children and if we stay at home sometimes we sacrifice a bit of ourselves. By expressing the truth about the complexities of motherhood and the choices we are faced with, Mrs. Obama’s admission has given mothers of this world, including myself, a huge sigh of relief that it is okay to not only wear an “M” proudly on our chest, but to be openly honest to ourselves, our children and our families.

It is time for motherhood to receive the thought and respect it rightly deserves. And although motherhood is gray, it doesn’t mean other colors will not shine through.