Feminism, fathers and valuing parenthood
Posted May 21st, 2009 by PhDinParentingCross posted on PhD in Parenting.
On May 17, I participated in the Fem 2.0 chat on twitter. The topic of discussion was mommies and feminism. We talked about a lot of things, but one thing I said towards the end of the chat seemed to resonate with a lot of people. I also think it is an important point, so I thought I’d turn it into a post and explain more than I could in the 140 character limit. Here is what I said:
I think we need a society that values parenthood, not just motherhood. Otherwise it will always be about making concessions for women.
I find that a lot of the focus in the feminist mothering movement is on ensuring the rights of mothers and furthering the position of mothers in society. But what is the role for the men in that equation?
The problem with feminist mothering is that it either pushes for women to be freed from the shackles of motherhood (by making it easier for them to put their kids into day care) or it pushes for concessions in the workplace for women (more maternity leave, more sick leave, breaks and accommodations to pump breastmilk at work, etc.).
While I don’t think there is anything wrong with pushing for those things, I think we need to push for something more, something different.
We need to push for a society that values family and parenthood. One that recognizes that role that parents play in raising the next generation. One that recognizes that fathers, like mothers, may need to strike a balance between their career and their family life. One where women don’t feel that they have to be an equally uninvolved parent in order to reach their goals, but where they can ask their partner to step up too.
This isn’t happening right now:
- In a lot of jurisdictions (like Canada), men have the opportunity to share parental leave with their partners, but not many of them do and when they do share that leave it is often frowned upon in their workplace. Quebec has probably had one of the greatest success rates in this area, with 1 out of 2 men taking advantage of some of the parental leave available to them.
- When a child is sick, it is almost always the mother that takes time off of work.
- If the baby sitter flakes out, it is the mom that is left scrambling.
- Men seem to have a harder time saying “I’m sorry, I can’t stay late, I need to be home for dinner with my kids” than their wives would.
- I sometimes hear men saying that they can’t do XYZ because they have to babysit their kids. Since when are fathers babysitters?
I think we need to fight for men and society to recognize the importance of equally shared parenting in realizing feminist goals. Women cannot achieve equality until men take on their share of the responsibility for raising a family. Women will continue to be discriminated against in the workplace when they need to care for their families until men start taking on their share of that burden.
Annie blogs about the art and science of parenting at PhD in Parenting, including discipline, gender issues, attachment parenting and more.
6 Comments
I agree this is not just a feminist thing, it is a parental thing. We deserve the right to fair wages. I am currently the chair of a living wage committee, and I am baffled why parents don’t stand up for their rights to be giving a living wage.Our children are suffering when we are forced to work more than one job, it takes away from having family structure. Let alone missing pta meeting,games and events,children are pretty much raising themselves. They wonder why it is such a decline in education, there are hardldy anyone at home to supervise the children to encourage them to study,we are all at work stressing out about not getting paid enough to maintain our homes for basic needs. This is so important how do we get more involve to help make a change
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May 22, 2009 at 11:25 pm by JuniperGood points, all!
BTW, one can sometimes find recognition of involved fatherhood in the strangest places:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8063004.stm
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May 22, 2009 at 1:04 pm by Ana LaraI agree with you on the fact that men should be allowed to a part of our families as much as the mother. My husband consistenlty turns down side jobs (he works in construction) on the weekends because we deicded we wanted to spend time with him on the weekends and let me tell you how many of our family members and friends look down on this. I wish more fathers did become a more integral part.
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May 21, 2009 at 3:15 pm by PhDinParenting@Maggie: If you continue reading, you would see that I affirmed the need to push for the things feminism has pushed for, but said that we ALSO need to push for something more. That is for recognition that men are parents and that means they too need to put family first sometimes. If women’s roles and women’s rights evolve, but men keep on doing the same old thing they’ve done forever, then women will be saddled with a greater burden, will continue to be discriminated against in the workplace (despite supposed protections) and will face polarized choices (either don’t have children, have children and stay at home, or have children + work + be overburdened). I didn’t intend to demean feminism and I’m sorry if you read it that way.
@Richard: Thank you for your comment. Unfortunately, your e-mail and Web site don’t seem to show up with your comment. Would you mind sharing which organization you are with?
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May 21, 2009 at 11:03 am by Maggie ProbertI applaud your statements that parenting should know no gender boundary. But I’m a little taken aback by your seemingly negative tone about feminism. It is my generation and the one before mine that had to battle for the rights of mothers that you list. There is no “problem with feminist mothering” as you state. Indeed, feminist mothering made your options available to both you and the father of your children. There’s no need to demean feminism to promote fatherhood.
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May 21, 2009 at 10:14 am by Richard WollenbergerThanks for making these statements. I’m proud that I do leave on time to be at dinner with my wife and children. I value the fact that my wife is able to be there for them when needed, but also have no problem taking care of them when she isn’t available. As you might guess from my email address and website, my organization is fully committed to parent involvement with their children.
While my children are older now, the importance of spending time with them hasn’t changed. They value it differently as middle and high school students, but they still need their father for guidance and growth.
Thanks for thinking of us!
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