Emotionally Healthy Children

    Posted July 28th, 2010 by

    One of the biggest dilemmas parents face is finding the balance between empowering your child and still setting firm boundaries.  Fifty years ago parents favored an authoritarian style of parenting where obedience was the primary goal.  In the last thirty years the parenting pendulum has swung to value empowering the child as primary.  As a consequence children are more strong-willed and unafraid to assert there wants and needs which makes it even harder for parents to set and hold boundaries.

    In the podcast that follows I use the “Meet the Hand “ metaphor to explain a method of childrearing that simultaneously recognizes the child’s power and autonomy while asserting the power and autonomy of the parent.   The goal of this approach is to raise children who have a strong capacity for mutual recognition.  Mutual recognition occurs when a person has both the ability to recognize and assert their own needs while recognizing and respecting the needs of others (preferably without the use of manipulation, shame or guilt).  When a person has internalized both the recognition of self and others these two are held in tension within them (the needs of self and others are often conflicting).  This tension is a necessary part of healthy psychological development and gives rise to self-discipline, emotional regulation, intimacy, and feelings of connection to and responsibility for the community around them.

    Check out the podcast here: Meet the Hand

    Posted Under: E: Excellent Childcare
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    5 Comments

    August 2, 2010 at 12:24 am by lynn

    I really enjoy your calm, well-reasoned philosophy of child-rearing. You strike a great balance between the over-praising and over-indulging methods we often see in much of child-rearing today, and the too-authoritarian methods of our parents and grand-parents… I can’t wait to hear/read more!!

    [Reply]

    July 29, 2010 at 12:53 pm by William

    I don’t have kids myself, but I think your “Meet the hand ” techinque will be beneficial with my inner-child. I like what you’re doing Joe Newman. Keep up the good work and the human race might have a fighting chance in the hear future.

    [Reply]

    July 29, 2010 at 10:45 am by Joe Newman

    Your daughter’s propensity for speaking her mind is a good thing! My daughter is 19 and has no problem asserting her strong opinions.
    In a sense, mother’s like you are pioneers. Trying to do what very few parents in the past had the psychological awareness or economic luxury to do with their children. But in forging this new relationship and developing children with such a strong sense of themselves there is a need for power on our side to balance theirs. Just as you feel the anxiety from not having had a valid voice as a child I see many children today with anxiety that is born of having too much power. This means our boundaries, and our asserting of our own independent needs/desires must be firmer and more determined that what was needed for us. Our challenge is to set the boundaries, to assert our wants and needs while recognizing our child’s power, while giving them a valid voice, without the use of shame or guilt. The problem is most of us didn’t have role models for this. Our parents often negated or dismissed us while setting boundaries and saying “no”.

    Thanks for working to break the cycle with your daughter – good luck!

    [Reply]

    Anita Reply:
    July 29th, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    That’s well said, Joe. You’re describing something subtle but so important. Thanks for this post!

    [Reply]

    July 29, 2010 at 12:25 am by Robin

    lol…I made a firm commitment to make sure that my daughter feels like she has a valid voice in our family…something that I never had as a child and part of the reason I have a lot of anxiety in my adult years. The only problem? Well, she believes that she has a valid voice…in everything! I just have to remind myself sometimes that I did not have a child for convenience. In the long run, her propensity for stating her mind is a good thing.

    [Reply]

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